Bear It From Behind!
There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.
The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the arse!"
The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.
The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.
The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!
Q. - Where does virgin wool come from?
A. - From sheep the herder couldn't catch.
The Gay Dog
They did a study a few weeks ago on a common rumour that dogs after a while start acting like their owners. So the scientist picked an architect's dog, an accountant's dog, and a homosexual's dog.
They put the architect's dog in a room gave him ten bones and he built a pyramid. "WOW" they said.
They put the accountant's dog in a room gave him ten bones and he divided them up evenly. "NO WAY" the scientists yelled.
Then they brought the homosexual's dog into the room and put ten bones in front of him. He paused, crushed them up, snorted them, fucked the other two dogs and called in sick the next morning.
Where did you put it?
There was a magician working on a cruise ship.
There was also a parrot that was always ruining his act, saying in the middle of a trick, "The card is up his sleve," or "He has a dove in his pocket," or "He slipped it through a hole in his hat."
One day the ship sank. The parrot and the magician found themselves together on a life raft. For serveral days, the parrot sat silent and stared at the magician.
On the fourth day, the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of Natal to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived, shivering and shaking. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
To which the second flea replied "I just rode here on a biker's mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"
The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to get here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens loo, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".
The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again shivering, shaking, and mumbling about how cold he was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the men's loo and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
Cock Sucker Frog
A queer sits down at a bar and plops a frog on the bar. The bartender says, "What the hell are you doin' with that frog?"
"Why I'm going to sell it for a hundred Dollars," replied the man.
"What's so special about the frog?"
"This is a Cock-sucker frog," exclaimed the man.
A few minutes later in walks this gorgeous hunk. He asked, "What are you doing with that frog?"
"Why, it's for sale, Sir, this is a cock-sucker frog. He is an expert cock sucker. Buy it and you will get the best blow job you've ever had. And I'll let you have it for $100."
"I don't know," said the guy, "I have a very large cock. I don't think it would work."
"I'll guarantee that if it doesn't work, just call me and I'll give you your money back."
"I'll take it," said the guy and threw down $100.
"OK Sir, here's the frog and my phone number in case you have any problems."
The guy took the frog home, laid down spread eagle naked in bed and prodded the frog. Nothing happened. He poked the frog and nothing. It didn't move. He called the man who sold him the frog. "This frog won't do anything, I want my money back."
The man said, "Hold it, I'll be right there. Give me your address."
The man heads straight for the guys home. He walks in and sure enough there's the naked guy with a huge hard-on and the frog is not doing anything. It just sits there.
Then the man says to the frog, "All right, I'm going to show you this, but just one more time!"
Cock Sucker Frog 2
A blond goes to his local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As he looks about the store, he notices a box FULL of live frogs._The sign says:
"SEX FROGS" Only $20each!_Comes with 'complete' instructions."
The guy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching him. He whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"_As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to the guy, "Just follow the instructions!" The blond nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on his way home._As soon as he closes the door to his apartment, he opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. He does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower._2. Splash on some nice perfume._3. Slip into very sexy undies._4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
He then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to his surprise... NOTHING happens! The blond is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. He re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store."
So, he calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blond welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"
The man... looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: "LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE... MORE... TIME!!!"
What did the gay whale do to the submarine?
It bit off one end and sucked out all the seamen.
Mouse and Mouse