The Elephant's Thing
Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happened that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."
"Yeah, he's out back"
After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.
A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: "Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant.
In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.
"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."
Q. - What do horses eat?
A. - Hay.
Q. - Well, what about GAY horses?
A. - HEYYYYYYYYY!!
For the celebration of the Aïd el Kebir, Mustafa goes to buy a sheep.
He bought it almost for very little money because the marchant explained him that the sheep was ill with AIDS. Very proud for the good business he did, Mustafa goes back home. On the way he meets his good friend Selim and tells him about his good luck.
Selim says, "Are you crazy? How could you buy the sheep knowing it is ill with AIDS?"
Mustafa answers, "Well, I planned to have it as a meal, not as a fuck!"
Two Gay Wood Peckers
A Gay Cape Town woodpecker and a Gay Johannesburg woodpecker were in Cape Town arguing about which city had the toughest trees to peck. The Cape Town woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Johannesburg woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Cape Town woodpecker was in awe.
The Johannesburg woodpecker then challenged the Cape Town woodpecker to peck a tree in Johannesburg that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully.
The Cape Town woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Jo'burg, the Cape Town woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused.
How is it that the Jo'burg woodpecker was able to peck the Cape Town tree and the Cape Town woodpecker was able to peck the Johannesburg tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own city? After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
The Old Rooster
One day an old rooster who was the king of the hen house is approached by a young strong rooster who says, "You have been king of this hen house for a long time. It is time for me to step in and take over so I am calling you out. If I can take you in a fight, then I will become king of the roost."
The old rooster replies, "I know I have gotten old and you can probably knock my block off. I really don't want to fight you. I am willing to step down from my position but I want to do it with dignity. Let's have a race. We will race around the hen house three times. If you let me lead the first two laps, I will feel like I have had my final moment of glory and will step down as king of the hen house. You can pass me at the beginning of the third lap, win the race, and step in as the new king of the roost."
The young rooster agrees and the race begins. The old rooster is getting pretty tired by the end of the second lap and the young rooster starts to close in to make the pass and lead the final lap.
Just then, there is a series of shoot gun blasts from the farm house. The young rooster is blown away and sent spinning across the barn yard. Over on the farm house porch, the farmer puts down his shotgun, turns to his wife and says, "Damn it Mildred, that is the third gay rooster we have had this week!!"
A horse and chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward and saves him.
Just a few days later the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and this time the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stands over the hole and says, "Grab my love pump and pull yourself up." The chicken does and hauls himself to safety.
The moral of the story? If you're hung like a horse you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!
One day in the great forest, a magical frog was hopping down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance, today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner, and they passed by the frog.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..."