The manager hired a new secretary. He was young, smart, handsome and polite.
One day while taking dictation, he noticed the managers fly was open. When he was leaving the room, he courteously said,
"Oh, by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
The manager did not understand the secretary's remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling him in, he asked,
"By the way Mr. Coetzee, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was also quite witty, replied,
"Why no, sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
What are the five sizes of cocks:
4 Oh My God!
5 Does that come in white?
A good salesman
This geezer starts a new job working in a porn shop. His boss comes out and says he has to go out for a while. "Can you handle the shop for a while?" he asks his new employee. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss' positive comments finally agrees.
So the geezer is there by himself for a little while and a white man comes in. "How much for the white dildo?" He asks. "£35," he answers. "And how much for the black one?" He asks. "It's the same price," he says. "Oh okay, I think I'll take the black one. Never had a black on before." He pays him and off he goes.
A little bit later a black man comes in and asks him, "How much for the black dildo?" He replies, "£35." Then he asks, "And how much for the white one?" The guy replies, "It's the same price". "Hmmm," says the man, "I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before." He pays him and off she goes.
An hour later a young blond queen walks in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" The guy replies, "£35 for the white and £35 for the black." He looks carefully and muses, "And how much is that tartan one on the shelf?" The guy looks over and replies, "That's a special one. It'll cost you £165." He thinks for a moment then answers, "I'll take the tartan one, I've never had a tartan one before." He pays him and goes off.
The boss finally returns and asks, "How did you get on while I was gone?" The employee replied, "Really good. I sold one white and one black dildo and I also sold your thermos flask for £165!"
Q. - What's the definition of a dildo?
A. - A meat substitute.
Home for Lunch
An exquisite painting, entitled "Home for Lunch", was on display in a Pennsylvania erotic gay art gallery. It depicted three very naked and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two men were standing there, staring at the painting, scratching their heads, and trying to figure the painting out. The artist walked by and noticed the men's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the one man. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"
"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not African-Americans. They're Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."
There is a rich gay man who has three boyfriends, but he does not know which one to keep. So he decides to give each one $5,000 and see how they spend it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. He gets new clothes, a new haircut, manicure, pedicure, waxing, massage, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look handsome for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and spent all of the money at Neiman-Marcus buying gifts for his man. He says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles his investment, returns the $5,000 to the man and reinvests the rest. He says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thinks long and hard about how each of the men spent the money and decides to keep the one with the biggest dick.
A guy walks into a gay pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive boys serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" one of the boys enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", he purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, boy, I want a cheese sandwich."