A man went into the confession booth at the Catholic church and told the priest: "I am 63 years old and have been faithfully married to the same woman for 40 years, but last night I had the time of my life with two 19 year old twin brothers."
The Priest replied, as he mopped the sweat from his brow: "How long has it been since you've been to confession?"
The man said: "I've never been to confession, I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Then what are you doing here, telling me this."
The man: "Hey, I'm just telling everybody!"
There once was a young man who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional he said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young man said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young man asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Going to confession
A guy goes to confession at St. Patrick's uptown and explains to the priest that he'd given another guy a blowjob in the park the day before.
The priest huffs and mumbles a bit and tells him "Say 100 Hail Marys and kneel on rice for an hour". With a sigh, the guy leaves to do his penance.
The next weekend he spends in the French Quarter and on Sunday morning he goes to St. Louis Cathedral, right in the middle of it. He enters the confessional and tells the priest "I gave 4 guys blowjobs down on the river last night."
The priest sighs and says, "Oh, say a couple of Hail Marys and try to be a little better next week."
Surprised, the guy says "Wow - last week I only gave one blowjob and the priest at St. Pat's made me say 100 Hail Marys and kneel on rice for an hour!"
The St. Louis priest chuckles and says "Oh - what do those uptown priests know of love???"
How to handle a situation
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars or a Coke."
A catholic priest was summoned to the Vatican for a three week meeting. Unfortunately, the only substitute available was a young priest with no experience whatsoever.
"I feel up to the challenge, Father", he said, "but I am not sure about how to run the confessional. What form of penance do I prescribe for the various sins I will be confronted with?"
The experienced priest left him a list of sins and their penance. After reassuring the young man, he left for Rome.
The young priest's first confessional was soon upon him, and he was quite nervous as he stepped into his booth clutching the list his predecessor left him.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have had impure thoughts about a woman I work with," came the first voice.
Nervously the young priest checked his list: Impure thoughts: see also Adulterous thoughts, Disrespectful thoughts and Murderous thoughts. He then referred to adulterous thoughts and found that 4 hail Marys were appropriate. Relieved, he prescribed the penance and waited.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," said the next person, "I took $50.00 from my employers desk!"
The young priest looked to his list again, and immediately found: Stealing: $1000.00 - 80 hail Marys and five rosary prayers.
After assigning the appropriate penance, the young priest calmed down and felt confident in his list to provide him with the appropriate answer. He waited a while until his next confessor arrived.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," said the next person, "I was butt-fucked by another man!"
The young priest again consulted his list. To his dismay, anal sex was not listed. He checked rectal intercourse - nothing. Homosexual experience also showed nothing. He couldn't even find it under butt-fuck, ass-fuck, bottom, ass, everything he looked for was somehow absent from his list.
Finally, he grabbed a choir boy, who just happened to be walking by. He asked quite hurriedly, as he knew the confessor was waiting.
"What does the priest give for a butt-fuck?"
"Oh, sometimes a Mars, sometimes a couple Snickers!"
Two Priests on Vacation
Two priests have been having a secret relationship for years and go on vacation to Hawaii together. They decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the gay nudist beach.
They notice a gorgeous young blond hunk with hot rippling muscles and wearing a tiny bulging bikini that barely held everything.
"Good afternoon, Fathers" he says as he strolls by. The men are stunned. How does he know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses. The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now completely naked, with his huge cock, swinging, half hard, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."
"Just a minute young man", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"
The blonde replies, "Don't you recognise me? I'm Brother Martin from the friary"
The church service was under way and they passed the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the service and announced "who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please stand up."
A gay man stood up and said, "I did."
The preacher told him "Since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns."
Excitedly, the gay guy said, "Well, I'll take him and him and him."
Love thy Neighbour
Oh my God!
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Oh my God..."
Also the Pope!
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day and sat down next to a priest.
The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was smeared with bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.
A few minutes later he asked the priest, "Father, what causes prostatitis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man", replied the priest.
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he just said to the man, apologized. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong my son. How long have you had prostatitis?"
"I don't, father. I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it."
The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him, "What's a four letter word, ending in U - C - K that means Something filthy or disgusting?"
The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even bother to look up. "MUCK, your Holiness."
The Pope didn't speak for a second. "Oh." He paused. "Do you have an eraser?"
Q. - What's the difference between a priest and a homosexual?
A. - The way they pronounce A-men
Q. - What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. - Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. - What do you call an Amish Guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A. - A Mechanic.