The Creation of the World
Well, so God created the World...
He admired his job and looking at Asia said,
"This part of the world will be so wide and beautiful, but it will also have floods and earthquakes..." He then looked at Africa and said,
"Here it will be the heaven on earth, but there will also be the desert and dryness and unbearable heat..."
He threw a glance to Europe and said,
"Here wealth and riches wioll be plenty, and art... but also wars, many wars..."
He then looked at America and was almost shoked looking more closely to the United States territory.
"This land is like a precious stone, it is too perfect, the sun, the sea and the oceans, the rivers and the lacs, and mountains, forests... no, no, no, this land is really too beautiful compared to the others, it will not be fair!!!"
Therefore, to balance all that, he created... the Americans...
The Pearly Gates
Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
Gay Rodeo Mishap
Three guys went to the AGRA rodeo. Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death.
Being good God fearing men, they ascended up to Heaven where they were met at the gate by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven guys. However I must warn you that we do have our rules here in Heaven. If you break the rules, you will be punished. One rule is, don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack and it just goes on and on."
The three guys decided that sounded simple enough and they passed through the Pearly Gates.
Sure enough, there were ducks everywhere! It didn't take long before the first guy was hurrying along and he stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, and it was a terrible racket and it just went on and on.
Pretty soon here came St. Peter and he had a homely little man in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the rules you would be punished." He chained the homely little man to the first guy with a little short piece of chain and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.
Before long guy #2 stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and it was a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Lo and behold here came St. Peter with an even homelier little man, saying "I warned you that if you broke the rules you would be punished." He chained the little man to the second guy with a little short piece of chain and said, "You will be together ever after," and walked away.
Well, the third guy decided he was going to be very careful not to step on a duck. He was doing quite well when one day St. Peter came with a gorgeous hunk of man. He chained them together and said, "You will be together for eternity" and walked away.
The guy said, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
"I don't know about you," said the hunk, "but I stepped on a duck."
Q. - What's the difference between a sin and a shame?
A. - It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to pull it out.
The Week in Hell
A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil.
Devil: Hey, why are you bumming out?
Man: If you died and went to Hell, you'd be bumming out too.
Devil: Hell isn't what you think it is. It's fun down here. Say, do you drink?
Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why?
Devil: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tequila, rum, vodka, all the booze you want to drink. We drink till we puke then we drink more.
Man: Ah, that sounds great.
Devil: Do you smoke?
Man: Damn right I do.
Devil: Cool! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the
world. Smoke all you want. You don't have to worry about getting cancer because you're already dead anyway.
Man: No shit!
Devil: You like gambling?
Man: Hell yeah!
Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, horse racing, you name it, we got it, and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table.
Man: Hmmm, I never played pai gow poker before.
Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned?
Man: I love getting stoned! You mean...
Devil: That's right man, because on Thursdays, it's stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don't have to worry about overdosing because you're already dead anyhow.
Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!
Devil: Are you gay?
Man: Uh, no.
Devil: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!
The Perfect Reincarnation
Three gays were talking about their perfect reincarnation.
The first one says, "I'd love to reincarnate in a mirror and see all those handsome men shave in the mornings."
The second gay guy says, "I wish I were underwear so I could rub my face in their dicks and asses."
The third gay guy was thinking of something better to say, then replied, "I'd love to be an ambulance."
"Yes. I would love to have three or four men stuck through my behind at a time and then run through the streets of the city shouting, 'Ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha'."
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his lover put some coffee in front of him.
"Andy," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," Andy assured him in his most scornful tone. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit," Andy informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."