It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
On the first day out to sea, the new young crew member noticed his shipmates were a rough lot. After every meal, the men would belch and fart incredibly noisily, like cannons firing.
The second day he decided to join his mates and ventured a gentle "Phtt."
Suddenly, the second mate, a towering giant, rose up, slammed his fist on the table and announced, "All right, men...The virgin boy is mine!"
A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.
"Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn't jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass."
"Well did you jump?" asks his dad.
"Just a little at first" answered the boy.
Also in the Space
Sodiers and veterans
A manager hired a new secretary, Mr. White. He was a smart, handsome and polite young man.
One day while taking dictation, he noticed the manager's fly was open. When he was leaving the room, he courteously said, "Oh by the way, sir, did you know that your barracks' door is open?"
The manager did not understand the secretary's remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling him in, he asked, "By the way Mr. White, when you saw my barracks' door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was also quite witty, replied, "Why no, sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
Question of Size
A white guy is being shipped off to Jamaica for a year with the army. His lover, Wally, is really worried about his man being unfaithful, so he asks him to tattoo his name to his penis....
He agrees, and does so. When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. Wally, feeling secure knowing that his name is tattooed on his lover's penis says good-bye to his lover as he leaves for Jamaica.
One day, while in Jamaica the guy is at this urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him...The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican,
"WOW , that's really interesting I guess you have a lover named Wally too."
And the Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis and it says, "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!"
A young man went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. He insists that he must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get him into the president's office and he asks the youth how much he would like to deposit. He says he has $165,000 and then dumps it onto his desk.
The president was surprised and of course curious as to how he came by all this cash, so he asks him. The young man says, "I make bets". The president replies "Bets? What kind of bets?" The young man replies, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president "that's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The young man says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure" says the president "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The young man says, "Since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure" says the president.
That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning at 10am the young man appears with his lawyer at the president's office. He introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the young asks him to drop his trousers so they can see. The president does this. The young man looks closely at his balls and then asks if he can feel them.
"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the young man "What is wrong with your lawyer?"
He replies "Nothing, except he is my lover and I bet him $100,000 that by 10am today I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"
A man is sitting in a pub talking to this guy and asks him what he does.
The guy replies, "I am a professor of Logic."
"What's that then?" the guy asks.
The professor replies, "Well it's a bit hard to explain but I'll give you an example." He proceeds to ask him: "Do you have a goldfish?"
"Yes I do."
"Well logic would deduce that you either keep it in a tank or in a pond."
"I keep it in my pond" the guy replies.
"Well logic would imply that if you have a pond you have a large garden."
"Yes I do."
"Well if you have a large garden logic implies you have a large house."
"Yes that's correct."
"Well if you have a large house you have many bedrooms."
"Yes, five in fact."
"Well logic would deduce that you have a large family."
"Yes I do, I have four children."
"Well logic would deduce that you have a good sex life."
"Yes I do, I love my wife deeply."
"Well then logic would deduce that you are not gay."
"No, of course I am not gay!"
"Well that is what a professor of logic is."
The guy is impressed by this demonstration.
The next day he is talking to his mate and tells him about this professor of logic he met the day before.
He asks him what a professor of logic is. The guy then tells him it is hard to explain but he will give him an example. He asks him if he has goldfish.
His friend replies that he does not. "Well in that case you are a gay."