Two women were walking down the street when they saw two homosexuals kissing passionately.
"Ugh," one woman said to the other, "That's disgusting. They ought to ship every one of those queers to some island, so we wouldn't have to look at them."
"They can't do that," the other woman said, "Then we'd all have to cut our own hair and decorate our own apartments."
A little boy and his father decide to go for a walk. As they turn the corner they see two dogs on the side of the road in 'doggy style position'.
The little boy asks his father "Daddy what are they doing?"
The father replies "Son, they're making puppies."
Later that night, the little boy hears a noise and goes to his parents bedroom. When he opens the door he sees his parents making love. The little boy looks at his father and says "Daddy what are you doing?"
The father replies "Son, we're making babies."
The little boy says "Well turn her over, I want a puppy!"
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well.... what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says... go to hell... that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
English is such an odd language!
Lets face it: English is a terrible language...
There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England, French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't finge.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.
If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all).
That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts but when I wind up this story it ends?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are wise men and wise guys different?
Why do overlook and oversee mean different things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Some more food for "Thought"
Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Why is it called "rush hour" when your car barely moves?
If a 7-Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If it's a circular drive, how do you get out?
How do "Don't Walk on the Grass" signs get there?
Why does sour cream have a "use by" date?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
This was something actually told to me by my lover, Matt. You know how sometimes you go to a restaurant (Chinese restaurants seem to do this a lot) and they give you a fortune cookie when you have finished? Well to make things more interesting just add the words "in your bed" onto the end of all your fortune cookies and they will have a completely different meaning! :)
Examples from real fortune cookies:
in your Bed!
in your Bed!
in your Bed!
Four old boys, one from Scotland, one from Egypt, and the other two from America, have been going to the same gay bar for years. Finally, one of the Americans passed away from old age.
The other three boozing pals are gathered around the coffin to say their final farewells.
The Egyptian, through his tears, says "You know, in my country, we have a tradition of leaving money in the coffin so our dear departed friends can buy their own cocktails when they pass over"
The other friends agree that this is a splendid idea, they did not want their friend to have to hustle for drinks on the other side.
The other American takes out his bill-fold and places a hundred dollar bill in the coffin, as does the Egyptian.
The Scottsman scoops up and the money and replaces it with a check for $300.
Allan, Brian, and Mike were captured by the Nazis. The Germans told them they would only let them go if their penis sizes totaled up to 12 inches.
Allan walked in and he measured 6 1/2 inches.
Mike added 5 inches.
Finally, Brian walked in and he measured 1/2 inch.
So the Nazis let them go.
Allan said, "If it wasn't for my 6 1/2 inches, we would never have gotten out."
Mike said, "Well, if it wasn't for my 5 inches, we'd still be prisoners."
Brian challenged, "Oh yeah? Well, if it wasn't for my hard-on, we could have been dead."