A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally stumbles and bumps into a young man beside him and as he does, his elbow goes hardly into the young man's butts.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to the young man and says, "Sir, if your heart is as soft as your bums, I know you'll forgive me."
The young man replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
Five guys were in a hotel bar. Feeling slightly sloshed, they started to argue with each other about the size of their penises. Eventually the discussion escalated into a full-blown argument, with each man thinking his penis was the biggest.
The bartender suggested, "Put them on the bar so we can compare."
The drunks did just that. Shortly, a gay man came in the bar, looked around, and said to the bartender, "I think I'll have the buffet."
At the Pub
Old Gay Man
When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his cocktail.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said: "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued; "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"
He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2:00 am."
I said: "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!"
And he said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"
That's not Good... (Or is it?)
A man walked in a bar and asked for ten shots of whiskey.
The bartender lined them up, and the man proceeded to down all ten in about two minutes.
After he was done, the bartender asked him, "Hey, what was the occasion?"
"I just got my first blow job," replied the man.
The bartender said, "Great, let me buy you another shot of whiskey."
"No," the man said. "If ten shots won't kill the taste, nothing will."
Can you please...
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything makes me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was", he answered, "but I just found out that damn I'm a lesbian."
Pussies (another version...)
This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."
The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."
The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink."
The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."
The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."
The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"
The first lady says, "We're lesbians."
The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"
The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies."
The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
New customer in a Gay Bar
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar and says, "Good, but I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The gentleman with a smile looks back and says, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?" The other gentleman turns to him and proudly exclaims "FORD." The customer thinks how this naming thing works and says, "Because quality is Job 1..?" The gentleman replies, "No. Let me ask you, Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The customer says "Strong enough for a man and not made for a woman."
A nice bill...
A drunk guy walks into a bar. He looks to the left and says "You're all a bunch of assholes".
Then he looks to the right and says "You're all a bunch of queers".
Suddenly a man on the left side of the room jumps up and starts to run to the other side.
The drunk guy roars, "Where do you think you're going".
To which the man replies, "I'm on the wrong side of the room".
Q. - What's the most popular pick up line at a gay bar?
A. - "May I push your stool in?"
Q. - What do you call a gay bar without any bar stools?
A. - A Fruit Stand.
Sam's been working hard for 15 years on the stock exchange and the stress has finally got to him. So he quits his job and buys a cottage in the middle of nowhere, up in the Scottish Highlands.
For 6 months he doesn't see a single person, until one evening just as he is finishing dinner, there is a knock at his door. He opens it and standing there is a gigantic, ginger-bearded Scotsman in a kilt.
"Name's Hamish. I'm your neighbour from the other side of the glen. I'm having a party on Saturday and I thought you might like to come along."
"That's very kind of you," says Sam. "After 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some of the locals. Thank you very much."
"Good," says Hamish with a smile. "I better warn you, though, there's gonna be serious drinking done."
"No problem," replies Sam. "After 15 years in the stock market I can drink with the best of them.
"More than likely to be a punch up at some point as well," says Hamish.
"Oh I'm sure I'll be OK," says Sam. "I can look after myself, and besides I tend to get along with most people."
"One last thing," says Hamish as he turns to leave, "I've seen some pretty wild sex at these parties, as well."
"Well now you're talking," says Sam, "what time should I come over?"
"Oh, whatever time suits you," says Hamish. "After all, it's only going to be the two of us."