On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like every regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save time?)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere? Oh My!)