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           Started on
     May 1st 1999    
Page 23    
Fairies, Genies and Magics

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Superman!

The dentist was surprised to see three broken teeth in the mouth of the handsome male model.

"What the hell happened to you?" he asked.

"I don't know," he said. "I was giving head to this reporter named Clark Kent, and BAMM!, his prick turned to steel."

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Ghosts

Ghosts

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The Genie

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about getting three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while. Finally, he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed loudly and said, "That's impossible. Think of the monumental logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of all the concrete! Think of all the steel! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK, sat back down and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I had a love affair with a gay guy four times and all of them didn't work. My boyfriends always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand them. I want to know how they really feel inside. I want to know what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why they're crying and know what they really want when they say 'nothing'. Most of all, I want to know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

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The Good Fairy

The Good Fairy

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The Last Wish

Two older, suburban, gay gentlemen had been living together for a couple of years, and were getting quite bored with their lives. They were looking at little knickknacks at a garage sale in the Castro, when one of them (Scott) stumbled upon what appeared to be a rare find.

"Look Jim, I just found the most fabulous... pot, or, I don't know what it is! It is It's pretty filthy, but I bet it would look great in our living room!"

Jim agreed, and they purchased the object. Apparently, the holder of the sale had no idea just how valuable a thing he had on his hands, because he sold it for $10.

Later that night, Scott decides he wants to dust off this old thing. To his surprise, what he thought was an old piece of pottery was in fact made of what appeared to be gold!

"Honey, come here!" he yelled.

Jim came running, and Scott continued to polish, until POOF!- A huge creature appears in their living room! Both men scream.

"Do not be frightened!" The creature says. "I am the genie of the lamp, and you have freed me from 1000 years imprisonment by an evil sorceress. I will grant the two of you a total of three wishes as thanks!"

The two take some time to gather themselves. They stare blankly at the genie, at each other, and at the lamp for a few minutes. Finally, Jim says, "Do we have to give all three now?" "Very well," the genie replies. "You have three days in which to ask for your wishes." With that, the genie vanished.

The next day, the couple decided that they would each get one wish, and would pick one together. They decided to first ask for wealth. When they woke up the next day, Scott found out that he had won $100 million in the lottery, and Jim discovered that he was a distant cousin of the Sultan of Brunei. The Sultan had just died, and left Jim $500 million.

That same day Scott asked for beauty. When they awoke the next morning (in their fabulous new Belvedere Mansion), they were both stunning. Jim was a full 6 inches taller, looked twenty-five again, but was more beautiful than he had ever been at that or any age. Scott lost all his blemishes, 50 pounds, and looked like a cross between his old self and a GQ model.

Finally, it was Jims turn. Around midnight on the third day, Scott asked Jim what he was going to wish. But Jim had ALWAYS been finicky. It once took him five hours to decide whether to buy a pillow case in grape or aubergine.

"Hurry and think of something before its too late!" Scott said. Jim decided he needed time to think, so he went off to the veranda to ponder this important decision. Just that moment, Scott heard a loud banging at the door. "Who is it?" he says.

"Open up boy! We gone kill you!!", a southern-accented voice replies. Scott looks through the window and sees men in white hoods on horses, burning crosses on his lawn.

"Honey! Honey! COME QUICK!!!! The KKK is outside our door!" Jim runs over.

"What in the world are THEY doing in Marin County-I thought this place was liberal-well, I'll call the police!" Jim says. But the phones are DEAD! The Klansmen had cut the lines!

"HONEY! WISH THEY WOULD GO AWAY! USE YOU LAST WISH TO MAKE THEM GO AWAY!" Scott screams.

"I can't" he replies, as he slumps to the floor, and the Klansmen begin knocking down the door.

"WHY NOT?!"

Jim paused and replied, "Because I ALREADY wished that we could be hung like black men."

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Lurch & Thing

Lurch & Thing

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The Bear and the Rabbit

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes.... Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish... "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things. After all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For his last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay..."

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Real World

Real World

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Aladdin 1

Aladdin 1

Aladdin 2

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Aladdin 2

Aladdin 3

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Aladdin 3

Aladdin 4

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Vampire 1

Vampire 1

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Vampire 2

Vampire 2

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Pinocchio

Pinocchio

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The Magician

The Magician

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e-mail us at andrej@andrejkoymasky.com
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