Like a woman
As an airplane is about to crash a closeted gay passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling at least once like a woman."
He removes all his clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A hunky man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this".
Two gay friends were out riding in a car.
The passenger started caressing the driver, who was so distracted that he smashed into a delivery truck.
The burly truck driver raced up and started screaming and arguing, finally shouting, "Kiss my ass!"
The gay driver took a step back and said, "Now you stop that. This is no time to make love."
Wild Wild West
Not that hard!
A driver picks up a gay hitchhiker.
The stranger gets in and sees a monkey in the back seat of the car. Twenty minutes go by and the driver reaches back and slaps the monkey in the head real hard. The monkey jumps into the front seat and begins to give the driver a blowjob.
Twenty minutes later, the driver slaps the monkey again in the head real hard, and the monkey performs the same action.
After a few more times, the driver asks the stranger, "Do you want to try?"
The stranger replies, "OK, but you don't have to slap me that hard, please!"
An employee of US Air with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down to an empty seat.
Soon after that, the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said to the man now sitting there,
"Excuse me, are you Gay?"
The man somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am."
The flight attendant said, " I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."
At this point Mr. Gay. who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake -- I'm Gay!"
Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"
This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say,"You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years-raw sexual power!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian man's thighs.
The Indian then began screaming, "Sahib! stop Sahib, you have dem on de wrong feet!!!"
Jolly Flight Attendant
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."
I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."
She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.
She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"
A sex addict's routine
Three african village youths go to see a witch doctor about their problems.
One has a smoking problem, one is an alcholic and one is gay and they all want to change.
The doctor puts a curse on them that if any of them indulge their habits again they will die.
Two days later the alcholic dies because he gave in and had to drink.
The next day the gay guy and the smoker are walking in the village together. The smoker sees a cigarette lying on the ground and stops to stare at it.
The gay guy looks at him and warns him "If you bend over and pick that up we are both fucked!"
Which one will you ride?
Three men were traveling in South America and they get caught by a tribe of natives.
The chief goes up to the first guy and says, "You may choose between death and wooga-wooga."
The first guy look in his wallet at the pictures of his family and sighs, replying, "Chief, I will take wooga-wooga."
So, the chief bends him over and screws him up the ass and then passes him around the tribe. Afterwards, the guy wobbles away from the village.
The chief goes up to the second guy and says, "You also may choose between death and wooga-wooga."
The second guy look in his wallet at the pictures of his family and says, "Chief, I'll take wooga-wooga."
The chief bends him over and screws him up the ass and also passes him around to the whole tribe.
Finally, the chief goes to the third guy and says, "You can choose between death and wooga-wooga!"
The third guy has no family so he bravely replies, "Chief, I will take death!" The chief grins and says, "Ok, death by wooga-wooga!"
Pool Slide Hazard
There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his cock sticking out of his pants! The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, "What are you doing?"
The Indian replies, "Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial."
The cowboy in disbelief says, "Ok, what time is it?"
The Indian looks down at his "3:35..."
"That's amazing, your right!" the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going.
Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time.
The Indian looks down at his "one eyed bandit" and says "4:40".
The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again.
After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his "bald headed champ" except he was jerking off.
The cowboy hops off his horse and says, "And what are you doing?"
To which the Indian replies, "Me winding clock."
Squirrel Happy Hour
Three gay friends get stranded on a island inhabited by cannibals. Soon, the three men were found and taken to the chief of the tribe. The chief told the men they had one chance for freedom. They would have to go through a trial. The three friends agreed.
The chief said that first they had to go into the jungle and pick ten pieces of the same fruit. So, thinking it was simple enough, the men went on their way. The first returned with ten apples.
The chief proceeded to tell him that the second part of the trial was that he had to shove all ten of the apples up his ass without wincing. The man began... 1... 2... but on the third apple the man winced and the cannibals took him away and ate him.
The second returned with ten berries. The chief explained the procedure and the man began... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... but with the ninth berry the man burst out into laughter. The cannibals took him away and ate him.
The first and second man met in heaven and the first man asked the second, "What happened? You were one berry from freedom. Why did you start laughing?"
The second man replied, "I saw the third man returning from the jungle with ten pineapples!"
An American Indian boy asks his father "How did you pick names for us kids Pop?"
"Well" the chief replied "when your older brother was born, the first thing I saw when I came out of the tee pee was an eagle soaring high in the sky. So I named him Flying Eagle. When your little sister was born the first thing I saw was a deer running away, so I named her Running Deer. Why do you ask, Fucking Dog?"