3/27/97 - Dear Joey, today you have been gone from me for 2 whole years. I sit here with my heart heavy and my fingers barely able to type these words. I move through quicksand to get from day to day. I still need to know why, I still need to know how you are, I still need to know what I did wrong. I want so much to hear your laugh, that crazy, contagious laugh you had. I want to see those big brown chocolate eyes smiling at me, giving my heart flip flops every time I saw them, because you were mine! I want one of those famous Joey hugs. I want to lay my head on your chest and hear your heart beat. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.
Joey, you made so many of my dreams come true. You were funny and sweet and kind and goofy. All the things I admire in a person!
My friend Gabi, who lost her son too, says we won't stop missing our kids till we stop loving them. I guess this gets to go on till forever.
3/28/97 - Today I read an article in People magazine about celebrities who have lost children. It was an eye opener for me. I think I have felt 'stuck' because the pain is greater, the loss is felt deeper than ever. I think I imagined that I was choosing these feelings. And somehow, that was supposed to be wrong. why would I choose to be unhappy, a victim, in pain for the rest of my life? After reading about Bill Cosby, John Walsh, Sally Jesse, etc., I realize that this is all it can be. I cannot expect to be whole again. If you took my right arm, I could not expect to function as if it were still there. I can live without it, but I won't function the same. I used to be such a goofy person, truly a Pollyanna. And I mourn that loss also. But I cannot have that 'me' back, cannot expect to get her back when her heart is missing. Yes, I have Chris and Michael and Joshua. And they are truly magnificent. I am more than blessed by having them healthy and whole.
And I know, without them, I would not bother to go on. But, Joey, this is to tell you that you and Chris and Michael and Josh made up 95% of who I am, who I want to be. So, I don't have to feel bad about feeling bad. It just is.
My 3 boys at Christopher's graduation
"The stars are not wanted now, put out every one
Pack up the moon, dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods.
For nothing now can ever come to any good."
My feelings this 3rd mothers day without him.
6/16/97 - Well Joey? Are you two together? are you having great fun without parental supervision? Mama's not doing so good.
Can you believe Chris died 2 years from the day we found you? 26 months later. What does this mean Jo Jo bear?
Merry Christmas 1998, my heart, love of my life. I miss you so. Our ice maker drops ice cubes sometimes and we say "Oh, there's the boys playing tricks." Now that they have moved out, Aunt Kelly's ice maker drops ice! She said she hopes it's you guys saying hello. Send me sign. Aunt Kelly saw a look- a -like the other day. Such torture. I finally dreamed about you as a grown up the other night. Such pleasure, such hurt.
Joey was the firstborn of my four sons. He was tall and skinny, lanky and graceful. He was born a blonde, but his hair got darker as he got older. Later, he alternately had brown, green, pink, purple and green striped hair. He had his tongue, his eyebrow and other things I probably don't want to know about, pierced! He gave the best hugs. He had the most wonderful chocolate eyes. God, how I miss them.
I love you forever, I love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
4/1/99 - No fooling, this has been a rough week JoJo Bear. I seem to deal with the 'sadness' of holidays, Easter, mothers day, etc with some semblance of control. But these death day anniversaries just drag me down. The depression smothers me. I try to fight it, I try to tell myself you are in a better place but I miss you so and I am so scared, so afraid that something is wrong. I know if there was a way, you would send me a message, something big that my lame brain would recognize, not an obscure butterfly or rainbow.
But a big goofy sign that was obviosly from you. I see so many movies that depict suicides afterlife as something dark and horrible. That would be so unfair, for you to have hurt so on this earth and not have peace. But it's my fear. I love you Joey, you were/are the love of my life. Shame on me, I love your brothers each so differently, so deeply but you...oh Joey, you were everything magical. I pray that you are somewhere colorful and happy and that you know Christopher. I pray you are watching Joshua and you see how much like you he is, so cute, so funny, so loving, so talkative! So much like you, some like Chris and Michael.
Joey was the glue of our family. We are a very close family, but Joey was the one who made us laugh, think, talk, understand. He was the one who cemented the relationships we have today.
Joey was a smooth talker, a good listener, a con artist (!), a deep thinker.
Joey had a knack for making people open up and find things hidden deep inside. It is this knack that is sorely missed by me and by his brothers.
Joey was a bi-sexual man and this is the reason I have dedicated this page to him. People need to know his story, the hurt he faced and why I feel compelled to keep future generations from hurting.
Joey was our magic boy. I hope to use this sight to tell his story and to help our family heal.